kimmieann: hands holding a cup of coffee (Snakes on a Plane)
[personal profile] kimmieann
I saw it. I saw Snakes on a Plane. And can I tell you this? I was not disappointed.

So, based on the beginning credits (and the opening location of Hawaii ... whaaaa?), I was like "man, this is going to be laaaaaaaame. People on beaches? Surfing? LAAAAAAAME. I BET THE SNAKES HAVE A TAN."

Insert Sean. Who from now on we'll just call Cute-Dude-Who-Just-Killed-A-Whole-Buncha-People-With-His-Existence. Or CDWJKAWBPWHE.

So CDWJKAWBPWHE has a bike and he likes riding it almost as much as he likes Red Bull and iPods and Red Bull and accidentally witnessing Asian mob murders and Red Bull. Did I mention Red Bull? Note the TWO CASES OF UNOPENED RED BULL IN HIS APARTMENT. CDWJKAWBPWHE likes his bull piss. And, hell, I won't even mind the taste of it on his lips when we make sweet, sweet love. More on this later.

As I said before, CDWJKAWBPWHE whitnesses an Asian mob murder, is numba one on their hitlist, gets rescued by my good friend Sam the FBI man and all is right in the world 'cause CDWJKAWBPWHE is gonna take his empty can o' bull piss and testify against Head Asian Mob Dude in LA.

CDWJKAWBPWHE and my good friend Sam get on a nice Red Eye flight to LAX. So do some other people. But what CDWJKAWBPWHE doesn't know is that this is a special Red Eye. Only stereotypes are allowed on board. You have to be a single mother with a baby, kids travelling without their boohooiing military father, an egotistical hip-hop/rap king (or member of his entourage), a blatant parody of Paris Hilton (down to that little rat-dog), an angry British dude, a couple on a Honeymoon, an ambiguously gay male steward, or a washed-up former ER star to get on board. But it's cool. Because CDWJKAWBPWHE and my good friend Sam just confiscated first-class. Everyone else gets to play Breakfast Club down in coach! And no, blatant-Paris-Hilton-stereotype-with-rat-dog, I do not mean Coach.

Down in the perfectly dimly-lit cargo hold, a Top Member of Asian Mob Guy's Mob sprays some leis with pheromones. The snakes are gonna go "fucking crazy" for that shit! YEAH! AND SHIT! AND A MOTHAFUCKIN' SO WE CAN BE GOOD AND SURE THAT THIS MOVIE GETS RATED R!

Back upstairs, Awesomely-Horny-Pilot and Old-Enough-to-Plausibly-Die-of-a-Heart-Attack-Pilot fly this mothafuckin' plane out of Honolulu. CDWJKAWBPWHE and my good friend Sam hang out with That Other FBI dude up in first class. Blonde Bimbo Stewardess starts hitting on my man. NOT COOL. CDWJKAWBPWHE IS MY MAN, BITCH. YOU ARE A STEWARDESS. GO POUR SOMEONE A FRESCA. RAWR, ANGRY WORDS!

Downstairs, rich people are Angry because they're in Coach and there's no leather bags or pumps around, Honeymoon Man is freakin' out because someone has to on an ordinary Red Eye flight from Honolulu to LAX, Hip-Hop king is hitting on Paris Hilton, and Video Game Friend (a member of Hip-Hop's entourage) is playing video games. Ahh. Life is good at 23984729847534957 feet in the air.

Suddenly, Really Slutty Girl and her Slutty Companion Man decide to join the Mile High Club. This is cool until I see nipple and get REAL AWKWARD BECAUSE I'M SITTING NEXT TO MY FATHER. UM. LOOK! SNAKE VISION! At the same time the Slutty Companion Man is disabling the smoke detector in the homebase of the Mile High Club (they're gonna smoke pot and then fuck, yay!), the time-sensitive lock on the crate o' mothafuckin' snakes expires. HELLO, SNAKE VISION! It's green and blurry. Just like when you smoke pot! YAY, HIGH SNAKES ON THE PLANE!

So the snakes do what any high snakes would do on a plane ... they kill Really Slutty Girl and her Slutty Companion Man WHILE THEY'RE FUCKING. IT'S AWESOME. Outside of the Mile High Club Homebase, Flamboyantly Gay Steward and an Older Stewardess who will valiantly die later listen and make catty jokes about the good sex that the sluts are having. Only they're not. Because they're totally dying right now. BAHAHAHAHA. JOKE'S ON YOU, LOYAL AIRLINE EMPLOYEES!

The snakes, getting the munchies because they're high, of course, pull out some important cables here and there. That's cool. I mean, it happens to the best of us. Only these cables are pretty important so the captain's gonna have to go down and check ... only to, you know, get bitten and DIE INSTANTLY. The snakes scurry because "dude, here comes the other pilot, RUN!!" The Awesomely Horny Pilot and the Head Stewardess Who Will Fall in Love With My Good Friend Sam find the body. Oh noes, he had a heart attack!1!!1!1 Guess Horny will have to drive us the NEXT TWO HOURS to safety.

The snakes have thus far moved over the entire plane undetected. No one's noticed the 439857394857 snakes on the floor. That's cool. It's late, I mean, most of the people are asleep, or playing video games, or flirting, or, oh yeah, DEAD IN THE BATHROOM. A random guy decides he has to piss. So he does (not in the same potty where the sluts are dead, of course) and a SNAKE BITES HIM ON THE PENIS. Hilariously, he flails around yelling "GET THIS FUCKING SNAKE OFF MY FUCKING DICK." He hits his head on the mirror and dies. How overdramatic. You can live without your dick, but not without your brain, dumbass!!

Oh, no! More mechanic malfunction thanks to the snakes. Those little breath-y airbags are deployed ... ALONG WITH A WHOLE BUNCH OF SNAKES.


So, the next ten minutes happens so hand-held cameray that even I don't know what the fuck happens. But let me try to simplify: snakes bite people. People die. People panic. People MOB RUN TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE. Paris Hilton runs after her dog, gets hit by a food cart, and passes out. Unwed mother hits her head and passes out. The baby's cool, though. The stampede runs over a man and a woman's stiletto pierces his brain. YES. People get bit EVERYWHERE. Eyes. Tits. Tongues. Feet. Arm. Penis. NOTHING IS SACRED. One of the unparented kids gets bit. WHERE IS THIS CHILD'S MOTHER? OH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. LAX. BAD MOMMY! BAD MOM!

Eventually, everyone who's left alive (all the main stereotypes and ... my good friend Sam and CDWJKAWBPWHE) makes it to the front of the plane. THEY BUILD A BARRICADE AGAINST THE SNAKES WITH LUGGAGE. BECAUSE SNAKES CAN'T CLIMB OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.

One of Hip Hop's entourage got bit on the ass. He spends the rest of the movie saying that his ass hurts. An award-winning performance, really. The unwed mother is rescued by the Ancient Flight Attendant. Ancient Flight Attendant also rescues the baby, but gets fatally bit in the process. Paris Hilton is rescued by a kickboxing champion. And her little dog, too. Pitiful.

The barracade is built and everyone's like "WTF!" My good friend Sam tells everyone to calm down and calls the FBI in LA ... and says "WTF!" FBI snickers and then goes "oh, wait. Dude, you're serious." They get some weird snake specialist to figure out the CURE FOR SNAKES ON A PLANE. I'VE GOT THE FEVAH AND THE CURE IS ... MORE SNAKES!!

Meanwhile back on snakes gone wild!!! the plane, a snake attacks the Horny Pilot. He's down for the count. So is the plane ... unless my good friend Sam can save the day!!! Together with the Head Stewardess Who Will Fall in Love With My Good Friend Sam, my good friend Sam pulls the plane out of a FANTASTIC NOSE DIVE.

There's only one problem. The FANTASTIC NOSE DIVE broke down the luggage barrier! SNAKES IN THE FRONT! What will we do? But CDWJKAWBPWHE has been alerted to the emergency down in Coach, so he kindly allows the frightened passangers safety in his first-class haven. ISN'T HE A GIVER? I JUST LOVE HIM. But, wait, they're panicking! They're running. THEY'VE BROKEN THE STAIRS. ... and now they're all on their backs. And not in a good way. And just in time for a boa constrictor to fall out of the light fixture! I SMELL ANOTHER DEATH!

Trying to throw off the boa, Angry British Dude throws Paris Hilton's dog at it. It eats it. And then eats him! THAT'S PETA KARMA ON YOUR ASS, YOU ANGRY BRITISH DUDE, YOU! Now the boa's happy, everyone can get upstairs! But how to keep the snakes out?? I KNOW. COVER THE OPENING WITH THE INFLATABLE RAFT. NO ONE WILL THINK THAT PERHAPS THE ANGRY SNAKES CAN PUNCTURE IT AND DEFLATE IT. THAT'S TOO IMPROBABLE. THIS IS THE REAL WORLD. FLIGHTS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS, LOLZ!

So now we're safe, right? But CDWJKAWBPWHE has noticed something! THE AIR ISN'T CIRCULATING! But my good friend Sam is used to it, he says, 'cause he's from Tennessee. Wait a minute. I'M from Tennessee ... and it doesn't really feel like a hot plane full of snakes here. Unless I'm in the wrong Tennessee ... or maybe my entire life is a snake on a plane. MINDWARP! And to top it all of the Head Stewardess Who Will Fall in Love With My Good Friend Sam has just informed us that if the air doesn't circulate, we'll die!! What should we do? Hip Hop has an idea! LET'S STEAL MY GOOD FRIEND SAM'S GUN AND THREATEN TO SHOOT EVERYONE! VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING! EVEN AN ALGEBRAIC EQUATION!

But, then his Video Game Friend distracts him and my good friend Sam gets his gun back. Touche. But what to do about that pesky oxygen? Let's ask Horny Pilot. Horny Pilot has a solution: go into the cargo hold and reset the system! YESSS. Oh, shit. Guess whose job THAT is? Horny Pilot quips, "I'd hate to be you" to my good friend Sam. Guess what? So would I.

But my good friend Sam is fucking' Sam and he's gonna fix the problem. So he crawls down to the appropriately unlit cargo hold, equipped with a flashlight and a lighter taped to a hairspray can (isn't hairspray illegal on a plane? >_>), and SAVES THE DAY! AIR! Even Paris Hilton knows what that is! :D:D:D

(Oh, and in LA, they found the guy that sold the snakes to the Asian Mob and got the antedotes and whole bunch of other boring shit that isn't on a plane happened.)

We're almost hoooome! Let's go tell Horny Pilot.


He's dead. And the cockpit's full of snakes. We have but one choice. We must destroy the plane at the same time we land it. But who will land the plane?

Video Game Friend can do it! He has over 2000 hours logged. At what, you might ask? Well, you'll hilariously learn that answer later, my friend. Meanwhile, my good friend Sam has to say the best fucking line ever said on the big screen:


My good friend Sam blows out two windows. Shit flies out. Snakes fly out. The inflatable raft flies out. Angry British Dude's body flies out. Lindsay Lohan flies out. Blonde Bombshell Stewardess Who Stole My Man nearly flies out, but my man saves her. FUCK YOU CDWJKAWBPWHE. I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND YOU BROKE IT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I HOPE YOU GET BIT. AND SHOT. TWICE.

Video Game Friend and my good friend Sam, meanwhile, are guiding this mothafuckin' plane to LAX. Only Video Game Friend has logged his 2000 hours ... on a PSP2. That's okay! My good friend Sam has faith in you ... even if you do land the plane going 3948732987987 miled an hour. And almost crash. BUT THE PLANE IS ON THE GROUND, BABY!

Looooooooots of emergency vehicles are there to greet us! Yay! Everyone gets to slide down the inflatable slide off the plane! Down goes Paris Hilton! Down goes Hip Hop King! Down goes His Ass-Bitten Sidekick! Down goes the single mother and baby! Down goes the ambiguously gay steward who has a REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND WAITING ON HIM! :D Down goes Humpty Dumpty! So, everyone is off the plane but my good friend Sam and CDWJKAWBPWHE. They exchange Meaningful Words. CDWJKAWBPWHE goes for the slide and ... A SNAKE JUMPS OUT AND BITES HIM IN THE CHEST SO MY GOOD FRIEND SAM SHOOTS HIM TWICE.


But, wait. He was wearing a bulletproof vest. Ha ha ha, wasn't that a funny joke? Blonde Bombshell Stewardess sure seems to think so! :D Yay! We've all had a good laugh.

All the people who got bit and didn't die get to live! My good friend Sam fell in love with a girl! Asian Dude's gonna get the death sentence! The snakes are somewhere on a boat in the middle of the Pacific! The sluts are lying dead and naked in the plane!

As for CDWJKAWBPWHE? Well. My next murder attempt is going to be SO MUCH MORE CREATIVE.
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